i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize