he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
