The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
