WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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