I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
