why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
