can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We got so high we made milksteak
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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