I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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