I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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