I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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