The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
