Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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