here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
