Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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