Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
