Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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