Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Success! We fucked roommates!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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