Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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