I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
