If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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