I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
