so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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