I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
