I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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