He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
