The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
