I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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