My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
