You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
