I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
