she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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