and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize