Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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