Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
