billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
