Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
