If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
