so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
