He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
