Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
