so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
