Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
