just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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