did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
