so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
