Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
