Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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