nut hugger
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
