I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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