Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
