I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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