I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
