I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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